What Are We Waiting For?

black and yellow analog clockPhase 1 of the easement of restrictions has hit the airwaves and it has caused a firestorm of activity and questions. Churches were among those in the first wave that were legally permitted to open… with appropriate safeguards in place. Many did not stop to read the second part of the pronouncement, much as they did with Jesus commandments. Like a starting gun at a race we humans are ready to run before we even know the course! How many of us wait until we hit a snag or find an “extra” part before we read the directions because “well we know how to do it?” I have learned to rein in my enthusiasm as experience has taught me that the 5 extra minutes spent reading the directions before starting, can save untold hours and angst later.

So what would church really look like, if we truly loved our neighbor enough to protect them as best as we could from a virus for which we still have no effective treatment or vaccine? We must remember that this virus can be transmitted before anyone even has an inkling that they have it. We must also be mindful that this virus is particularly dangerous and often deadly to those who have a whole host of underlying medical issues.

Given that we know that the only effective (but not guaranteed) weapons we have are physical distance and face coverings: I would need to wear a face shield and keep 1 microphone for my personal use. There could be no hymnals, singing, touching, or serving communion. Greeters would be masked and gloved. We would have to sanitize the pews as best we could after each use and would have to mark appropriate 6’ spacing. And that is just in the sanctuary! The bathrooms, door handles, classrooms, toys, and anything else anyone might touch or breathe on would have to be sanitized after each use. There would absolutely be no putting our mitts on shared coffee urns or cookie trays. Each person would need to be 6’ apart and everyone would be required to wear a face covering. As the longer one is in an enclosed space the more risk, we would have to limit our services to a brief 30 – 45 minutes at the max. and encourage people to enter at the last minute and leave as soon as service was over. Does that really sound like “church” to you?

Not wanting to spend another lonely (and dangerous) winter alone in our family home after the summer people had headed south, my mom took an apartment in town. She loved it when the winter winds blew and snow piled up. However as soon as that first crocus poked its head through the slightly frozen ground she longed to be back home. Unfortunately she had experienced some failing health over the winter. She was more than frustrated with how long it took to complete some safety accommodations before she could move in. But after she arrived, her thrill soon faded. Perplexed, I inquired. She said, “When you long for home, you always imagine being in it when you were young.” Which calls to mind…How are we imagining church?

Just as things had to be different for my mom, things have to be different for us too. So perhaps instead of chomping at the bit, counting down the weeks in frustration as if we’re making a prison break, while we are waiting for effective treatments and vaccines to arrive; we could be doing all we can do to live out what Jesus is calling us to do NOW. Jesus has not taken a pause from His work so why should we? We have a message to deliver, people to invite, parties to enjoy, relationships to build, and worship to grow in and through. The pandemic may change the way we do things but not what we are called to do. Truth be told nothing is stopping us but ourselves. So what are we waiting for?

A New Kind of Patriotism?

boy in red and white plaid shirt sitting on green grass field near a tombstone

As we head into Memorial Day Weekend our thoughts naturally turn to our fallen patriots. Patriotism is the word of the day and it has always been about sacrifice. Just the word brings forth images rows and rows of white crosses standing in military precision for those who gave their lives in battle and service. We remember film clips and heart-wrenching stories of wounded soldiers trying to rebuild their lives after being irreparably scarred physically and emotionally. But for most of us patriotism is something that someone else does for us. We enjoy a vast array of freedoms because of their sacrifice. So we lay wreaths, wave our flags, and may even bow our heads, in thanks. But this year is different.

This year we are called to be patriots too. We are called to make a sacrifice for the good of all – even when it hurts. Just like the soldiers of the past we are called to put the collective good before our individual rights because that is what is best for our country. I dare say that it feels no better to us than it did to anyone of the thousands of men and women who served or does to all those who are serving our military today. Yes, there are those adrenaline-pumping battles that create heroes, purple hearts, and supreme sacrifices. But most of the time serving in the military, being a real patriot, is a series of rather mundane tasks and duties that feel neither glorious nor notable. It has been said that military service during war is great, but “hell” during peacetime. But the “hell” of the day-to-day drudgery of soldiering is no less a sacrifice for a greater good of our country. Perhaps it is even more patriotic as their sacrifice earns no bands, no medals, no cheering crowds, often no acknowledgment at all, just the good feeling of doing one’s part.

We are called to be true patriots this Memorial Day. We are also called to sacrifice for the greater good by giving up our public gatherings, our family cookouts, and our travel. We are called to wear our masks and physically distance. None of these things are exciting, or fun, or will earn us medals, or accolades. We may even be jeered at and mocked. But each one of these sacrificial acts is as patriotic as the actions of our soldiers in uniform today and in years past. We have an opportunity to step up in service rather than stepping out in celebration. If we want to really honor those who have given their lives in service, we will serve what they died for: our country and all the nameless, faceless people in it. We do that by giving up the need to do it “our way” for the good of everyone in our country. As the saying goes… Just because you can doesn’t mean you should – even if it “your right” to do so.

Sacrificial love of and for others is nothing new to us Christians. It is one of Jesus’ most basic commandments, “As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35 Or the famous passage from 1Corinthians 13: “Love is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.” No, it’s not just for weddings any more it’s for right now and especially for this Memorial Day Weekend.

I hope that your’s is safe, loving, and sacrificially patriotic for us all.

 

Who Knew?

IMG_3192We have all heard the latest… that we are in this for the long haul. And just as I was ready to run shrieking down the street in frustration (with my mask on of course), I was stopped in my tracks by an unexpected surprise. Many months ago I wrote about my rather independent Christmas cactus that thrives on only occasional, very occasional, attention. At that writing, and much to my dismay, it had insisted on blooming in October rather than being seasonally correct. After all it is called a “Christmas” cactus not a Halloween cactus! I thought that it was done for the year, only to have it bloom again at Christmastide. Who knew? Again thinking that surely that was the last of its impudence, you can imagine my shocked surprise when I noticed that this intrepid cactus bloomed again this morning – right in the middle of my pity party! Seriously? I couldn’t believe it!!

This wild and quirky cactus interrupted my despair with a singular act of incredible beauty. Nobody asked it to, and I certainly did nothing to help it. Who would have guessed? Perhaps it was reminding me of something that I had completely forgotten. That God creates beauty, miracles, wonderment, and delight always – even in the midst of a world pandemic. Who knew? Later as I was walking the dog and yes, I admit I was grumbling a bit, I was interrupted by the sight of a giant vibrant yellow dandelion growing miraculously smack dab in the center of a tree cleft. The dark black trunk and evening sun made it pulsate with color. Who knew?

It set me to wondering about what other wonderful sights, sounds, and smells God had flung around for me to enjoy. Aahh the sweet songs of spring birds, the brilliant colors of their feathers, the smell of the fresh grass, and sight of all the spring bushes and flowers just bursting with blooms. Suddenly the world did not seem to be such a scary, diminished place. I just needed to adjust my focus. Instead of ruminating about all the things I couldn’t do and all the what if’s of the future, I was free to enjoy all of the good things that God had set out for me to enjoy on this day.

A little cactus with a big attitude, surely helped me refocus mine. So what if we are in this for the long term? So what if things will not be the same as before when we get to the other side of this pandemic?

I don’t have to ruminate about it. Jesus was quite clear about worrying. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Matthew 6:24 and the prophet Isaiah “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Who knew that I would be surprised? Who knew that God has amazing blessings and gifts for us, not just when the pandemic is over, but every day and every hour of every day while we are in the midst of it – whether we are paying attention or not?

Thanks little cactus! Now I know. Maybe I should go get my watering can…

Grief Bombs… I dare you to read it all

man wearing hoodie near blue smokeOver the years I have spent much time studying, walking with people through, and experiencing grief personally. Grief is universal. Everyone experiences grief at some time or another. And while we think of it primarily when someone we care about dies, we also experience it over a lost job or opportunity, the diminishment of a physical ability, a relocation, graduation, divorce or even a change of vehicles. Anytime we feel that we have lost or perceived a loss of something physical or emotional we grieve. Grieving is a God-given, healthy response to a significant change in our lives. And no one likes to do it! Especially in our discomfort-avoidant society we want to zip through it as fast as possible, if we even allow ourselves to acknowledge it at all. We do have a choice to deal with it sooner or later (sooner is always better) we do not ever get to opt out. While our culture currently only allows us a few days of grief (for most losses) to a week or so (for the loss of a partner, child or spouse) the vast majority do not even begin the process by that time. The most common question I get is, “How long will this last?” and the answer is unfortunately as long as it takes.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance can be helpful in navigating through it. However we rarely, if ever, experience them in a nice neat orderly fashion but rather in a series of chaotic loops that we cycle in and out of. In subsequent years another stage was added, which we can only experience in hindsight when we are able to reflect on the journey of the other five. It is meaning making.

So why am I talking about grief now? It is a subject that everyone wants to understand but no one wants to talk about. In fact if you have made it this far in the article I commend you! Countless times I have been implored by churches to lead programs on death and dying only to have only 1 or 2 people show up for them. As the song goes, “We all want to go to heaven but nobody wants to go now.” Even talking about it creeps us out, as if discussion will bring us closer to it.

Well I am talking about it now because whether we acknowledge it or not we are a country in the midst of grieving. Since the outbreak of CoVid 19 we have lost whatever normal was our life. We are mourning that, and thus will cycle through all those stages of grief whether we realize it or not. Just knowing that can help us understand and perhaps have compassion for ourselves and others, as it leaks out as shortness of temper, anger, frustration, and sadness. Grief makes us stupid too. No we are not losing our minds or lapsing into Alzheimer’s as we lose our keys, forget a birthday, or put the dry cereal box in the fridge. Grief is like a program ever running in the background of our lives, sapping us of energy and popping up when we least expect it.

Which brings me to Grief Bombs. The weird thing about grief is that it rarely behaves when and how we expect. I remember attending a funeral shortly after my mother died. I expected to “be a total mess” yet went through it without incident. Only to find myself totally “losing it” two days later at the grocery store as I picked up a head of broccoli. I had unwittingly stepped on a grief bomb. Like hidden landmines they strike without warning and stop us in our tracks as a cloud of sadness and grief engulfs us. I have discovered that if I acknowledge it and offer myself permission to experience it, rather than trying desperately to wave it away, it subsides more quickly. If I am able to simply embrace it as a piece of the healing, understanding that it too shall pass; I am able to receive the benefit it offers. I left my cart and gave myself permission to get broccoli another day.

“I don’t feel like it”

melancholic woman watching video on laptop at homeI totally get that we are all itching for things to get back to normal. I also am beyond weary of staying at home, only going on absolutely necessary errands, wearing a mask, social distancing, ordering as much as possible on-line, and my own four walls. I too miss going out to a restaurant, getting together with friends and family, and hugging our 2 year old grandson. It has been waay too long. Eight weeks is a long time to be constantly on alert for killer

germs I cannot see. Eight weeks is a long time to watch news that primarily consists of the latest ever-rising counts of the infected, unemployed, and dead. But this is not a 1-hour medical drama where the team of experts solves the issue before the next commercial. This is the real world where eight weeks is a mere eye-blink in the world of medical care and research.

So what do I know? I know that the scientists are working as hard as they can around the clock to provide a safe and effective treatment for those who contract CoVid 19. I know that they are also working double and triple-time to find a safe, long-lasting, truly effective vaccine. I also know that essentially nothing has changed yet. I know that the only proven methods of stopping the spread and saving lives require behavior changes on all of our parts. And thus comes the rub. ME.

I used to live in a state whose motto was “Live Free or Die.” I was shocked to discover that they valued their individuality so much that they refused to post house numbers so the fire department could locate them in an emergency! Really?

The cry of “my right” is being waved like a flag and scores of people are flocking to beaches and parks. One unmasked protester from Texas even made the claim that “she is not afraid of the virus and we shouldn’t be held captive by social distance rules because… people get sick and die all the time.” Didn’t anyone ever tell her that it is not all about her? Or me. We have no more tools to fight this pandemic than we had eight weeks ago. We only have the two we’ve had all along: social distancing and wearing masks. And yet people are acting like it’s over because they “don’t feel like it anymore.” Really?

What if I “didn’t feel like” showering, or doing dishes,or writing sermons? What if I “didn’t feel like” paying my bills, telling the truth, paying my taxes or feeding my dogs? My daily life contains a myriad of things that need to be done whether I “feel like it” or not and yet people are acting like that is the trump card in any situation – especially CoVid19. The Bible is full of cautionary tales about people who “didn’t feel like” listening to God. Think of Jonah and Lot’s Wife for starters. Jesus only mentions once that he would rather not before recounting – saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done.” Luke 22:42 Gotta say a reasonable request since He was facing a brutal death. At no other time did He ever acquiesce because the person he was trying to help, “didn’t feel like it.”   I really can’t remember Jesus ever saying – “If you want to follow me, take up your cross… UNLESS you don’t feel like it – then you can still come.”

Looking at it that way, my sacrifice of wearing a mask and social distancing really doesn’t seem so onerous. It is a way to live out His commandment “Love your neighbor as yourself” Jesus asks us to do that every day, whether “I feel like it” or not. But here is the best part, my small sacrifice (whatever it happens to be) always reaps huge rewards, not just in the future but right at the time. I am flooded with good and positive feelings that trump whatever self-absorbed resistance I might have had. The restrictions may still chafe a bit and while I would like things to be different, I cannot change it. But I do know that with Jesus walking with me – I can endure anything. How about you?

 

Want a piece?

sliced of pastryAs I now am in my sixth week of staying at home, I find that I am taking pride in the fact that I am staying home to: a) be a good local and global citizen, b) follow the medical community’s advice to prevent the spread of this killer virus and c) to think more about others than myself. I expect that my award will soon be arriving in the mail for sacrificing my personal freedom, making and wearing masks, and sending needed items to others. But it has not arrived yet. Has yours? Well, even if it doesn’t (after all it might not be an essential delivery) we can still enjoy the moral high ground of knowing that we are such good Christians and well, simply-put good people.

But there is a danger here. If we are sooo good; what are the people who do not conduct their lives as we do? So-so? Or worse yet bad? It is so easy to slide ever so slightly, okay maybe a lot, into judgment. We barely notice our tendency until we find ourselves shaking our heads or yelling at the TV in disgust as “those” people: just don’t get it, are selfish you-know-whats, or are total idiots to put it nicely. It is a slippery slope. Now I am not saying that all behaviors should be endorsed and affirmed, but I believe Jesus was pretty clear on the unchecked critique of others. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ while the log is in your own eye” Matthew 7:3-4

Oops, I feel my moral high-ground headed for an avalanche. At least the ground is shaking pretty hard as I realize that I had leap-frogged from disliking or disapproving a behavior to attacking the person behind it without even taking a breath. Yup there it goes! My moral high ground just collapsed in a heap of self-serving rubble. As much as I hate to admit it, I am totally wrong here.

So what made me behave in such a way? The same God-given emotion that spurs most actions and reactions whether we admit it or not: Fear. We fear the negative consequences of both doing and not doing an action. And let’s face it – our fears and concerns are as unique and multi-layered as we are.

So I will continue wear my mask, stay at home, and do my part in curbing the effects and spread of this pandemic. But perhaps I need to remind myself that God has got this. All I am responsible for is my part and following the guidelines to the very best of my ability. As for the “others”? I need to remember that “they” are neither “they” or “other.” We are all one family in God and all beloved. I don’t have to like my “siblings’ behavior… but I can always choose to love them like Jesus does.

Yeah that Love your neighbor as yourself thing… he meant it – even when our neighbors are not behaving as we’d like.

I just served myself a nice gooey slice of humble-pie… Want a bite?

 

 

How Long, O Lord? How Long?

close up photo of jack russell terrier on vehicleThe first week of our stay-at-home protocol was novel, the second week we were getting into a rhythm, but when, in the beginning of the third week, I heard the announcement of a more long-term arrangement it caused me to cry out, “How long, Lord?” like the psalmists of old. It had already seemed like forever since I had enjoyed an outside meal, a movie, or even some relaxed random shopping. It had already seemed like forever since I was able to greet the people I loved and cared about with a handshake or a hug. It already seemed like forever since I was able to have a friendly conversation without the aid of some electronic device or a 6 foot distance between us.

And yet, in reality it has really only been a few weeks. World War I lasted 4 years and World War II lasted 6. The Great Depression lasted 10 years and the 1918 Flu Pandemic ran for 2. The 1980’s Recession lasted 19 months and the Swine Flu Epidemic 16. It is amazing what a little historical perspective does. Maybe I don’t need to hang on every word spoken on the Nightly News desperately searching for some signal that it will be over soon. Maybe instead I can focus on the fact that we got through hard times in the past, times that really looked like the world was ending, and that we will come through this as well.

I confess that I had to look up how long each of these scourges lasted. Yet I can absolutely recall how long Jesus’ ministry lasted on earth – 3 years according to John’s Gospel. In three years Jesus was able to change the world profoundly and permanently for the better. That is an incredibly short time, especially given that there were no publishing houses, mass media, radio, television, social platforms, or the web. Three years of what appears to be a patchwork of “random” encounters with the least, the lost, and the left out. Years that caused even His closest disciples to scratch their heads in bewilderment, compete for the best place in the kingdom, and even betray Him.

And yet… and yet… today over 2,000 years later we are still being positively touched and transformed by His message of love, forgiveness, grace, and gratitude to God. Despite seemingly endless attempts to do so, not a single “non-preferred” experience or world calamity was able to destroy or discount His message. So maybe I am not asking the right question. Perhaps instead of asking, “How long, O Lord?” and fretting about my inconvenience, perhaps I could be asking, “How are You going to defeat this one, O Lord?” with the full confidence that the goodness of God always conquers whatever evil might beset us. Even though you planned evil against me, God planned good to come out of it. This was to keep many people alive, as he is doing now.” Genesis 50:20. So I think I will go relax with a cup of tea and let God handle the timing. After all it doesn’t really matter how long it takes to get to the good as long as it does!

 

Is The Church an Essential Service?

white and brown churchThat depends on how you define church. If you, (like a certain pastor in Florida) views church as a time to crowd fans into a building (filling both the pews and the collection plates) for a performance complete with theatrical preaching and a praise band all the while ignoring all the mandates to avoid physical distance for the health of all – then I would say definitely no! How does that express Jesus call for us to love one another as ourselves? Perhaps he missed John 15:13 where Jesus declares: Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” Today laying down one’s life means – laying down or sacrificing in love our individual right to congregate for the health and well being of everyone else.

However if we remember that the church has less to do with a building (Jesus never had one) and more to do with what happens outside the walls then YES I do believe that church is an essential service. For if it embodies what Jesus teaches us; it facilitates people-to-God and people-to-people connection and relationship. As the UCC banner we display reminds us, we are being The Church when we attend to: protecting the environment, caring for the poor, forgiving often, rejecting racism, fighting for the powerless, sharing earthly and spiritual resources, embracing diversity, loving God and enjoying this life. These are things that are best done outside the walls of our buildings and can be done virtually! Whether we choose high-tech options such as email, ZOOM, Facetime, Facebook, Twitter, and a host of other social platforms or low-tech options such as phone calls, cards, letters and the most important platform of all – Prayer – we are able to connect with one another in faith and friendship.

 

Having said that, please know that I truly miss gathering with you all. I do believe that something special and holy happens when we gather together to worship or to play. But that is not the essential piece of The Church. As the old hymn goes, “The church is not a building; the church is not a steeple; the church is not a resting place; the church is a people.” This time of physical distancing can help us live out our call to be the church, Christ’s church, outside our walls and into the hearts of all we engage. As the hymn’s refrain reminds me: “I am the church! You are the church! We are the church together! All who follow Jesus, all around the world! Yes, we’re the church together!” So I will skip the dusting and give someone a call.

 

The Short and Long of It

red and white time lapse photographyI have discovered that I am in a different phase of this pandemic. From the very beginning I gladly made changes to my schedule and methods of doing things to keep everyone as safe as possible. The guidelines became ever more stringent until I ended up working totally from home. It didn’t bother me too much as I did not think that it would last longer than my project list. Early on I surmised that Easter gatherings would be impossible but thought that might be on the outside of cautiousness. I was still under the impression that I had better get going on those “someday when I have time” tasks as our window of opportunity would be short.

Until last night when the stay-at-home orders were extended through “at least” the end of April. It was as if I had suddenly walked from one room to another. My event of “weeks” was transformed into an event of “months.” Such a change naturally requires some change in thinking. While I did not initially want to jump on the ZOOM bandwagon and add yet one more hour to people’s screen time, simply phoning, emailing, and blogging does not suit in the long term. We as a community of faith need to set eyes on each other even if it virtually. “Wherever two or more of you are gathered, I am there among you.” Jesus declares in Matthew 18:20, which reminds us of the need to gather together as that community of faith. So I will be using ZOOM to connect to my congregation, my colleagues, friends, and family.

Additionally, I realized that I can stop whipping myself to get long-put-off-projects done a.s.a.p. I am not “on vacation” but working at home. There is a huge difference. So maybe some of those projects might just be put off for a while longer. It won’t appear on my gravestone, so who really cares? I now realize the extra effort it takes to stay productive when working from home – even when I am fairly used to it.

Admitting that it takes extra energy to negotiate and work around other family members and their needs/schedules as well. So maybe not attacking that basement storage nightmare is just not in the cards. Jesus reminds us again and again “to love your neighbor as yourself,” so maybe pacing ourselves is a more Christ-like thing to do.

The other lesson I realized is that there is no longer need to postpone fun. Take-out or picnic lunch dates with a friend (while our cars are parked a parking space width apart) now seem like a good idea. ZOOM game nights, cocktail hours, parties (Check into our ZOOM April Fools Party) all help us keep things and time lines in perspective.

So if you have had a change of heart as the pandemic has progressed, fear not! It can lead to new and glorious things. For although the ways we get together may change, God’s love for each of us never does.

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing”. Zephaniah 3:17

 

Avalanched by Resources?

woman in white shirt showing frustration

WOW! I don’t know about you but I am receiving an onslaught of suggested resources on how to deal with the effects of working and schooling at home, Covid 19, faith and religious practice, and technology. At times it is just more than I can handle. I think that in some way this unending shower of resources to look at, try, or implement can cause more stress than our recent stay at home order.

Why?

 

  1. We are not all the same. We are each uniquely created by God – even members of the same family. Thus our individual needs for support are equally distinctive. Some need more “face time” via Zoom or similar platforms. Some prefer more quiet time and an occasional call will suffice. It can be so helpful to communicate our needs to well-meaning friends and relations – and yes – especially to your pastor. Sometimes our fear of offense can keep us from helping others be really helpful rather than just annoying. Every person is blessed to be unique. It is not one suggestion for all.
  2. Our stay at home situations are also unique. Some are home with children (yes quantity and ages matter), some are alone, some couples are both working, others have only one or none able to work. Some have the flexibility to work at home, others are part of an essential services organizations and must go out. Some are naturally physically active and can get outside and others are not. Allowing yourself to do or not do what works for your particular situation is key to a sense of personal peace. Every situation is blessed to be unique. There is no one remedy for all. It is amazing how much more peaceful we are when we can leave the judging to God.
  3. Please be discerning! “But test everything; hold fast what is good.” 1 Thessalonians 5:21 One of my favorite buttons on my electronic devices is the delete key. This is especially critical when it comes to spiritual resources. While this has always been important, (the Bible has many warnings), it is especially important at times of crisis when we are more vulnerable. If a resource claims to be Christian/Spiritual but suggests or even boldly states that: God caused this pandemic, that some group is to be blamed/punished, that this is part of the end of the world, or uses hate speech of any kind, Beware! “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.” 1 John 4:1 God is good all the time, all the time God is good.
  4. Give yourself a break! You may recall Jesus’ commandment to “love your neighbor AS yourself.” You can’t and shouldn’t do everything, be everything, receive everything – even if it is the latest and greatest.

To that end I have tried to be discerning in my communications. Except for a few all church e-mails I have preferred to keep resources on our website where you can access them at your leisure and preference. If that is not working for you please let me know. Whenever possible, it is my desire minister you in the way that works best for you.